no, he came in my armpit
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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