Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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