I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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