so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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