Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
