wat bout pragnant strippers??
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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