So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
