there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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