I just made out with a guy for $7.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
