Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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