im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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