Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
