i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
