If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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