you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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