You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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