I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
