Non-Jews are for practice
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
