Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
