We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
