fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
