i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
