I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
