my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
