i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
