You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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