The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
