He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
