you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize