Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
