I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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