dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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