I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
