i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
