She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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