Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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