You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
