It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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