so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
