how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
