I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
