Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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