do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
