My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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