I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
