when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
