We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
