I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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