dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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