You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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