My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
As shirtless as possible
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
