Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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