walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
