Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
