I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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