well you can't waste a boner
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
