i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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