I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize