yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
