Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
home. puking in laundry basket.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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