I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You need Xanax blowdarts
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
