He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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