she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
