help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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