There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
