this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
