My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
