it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
