Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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