we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
high people should be assigned attendants
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
